You're Confusing

I ended things before it even started
I know I'm not sure of what you feel
My heart confuses me too
I just want to play safe

If we fall in love
Things will not be that great if it ends
We might fall without even knowing it wasn't love
In the end, we'll only get pain

If we continue going this way
Being more than friends and less than lovers
Life won't be the same anymore
Things are already getting complicated

If you don't like me, tell me
So I won't assume
I won't take your sweetness too much
And I won't hold on to your words

If I fall without you catching me
Wouldn't that make me a fool?
If I would love you alone
Wouldn't I get hurt?

It's better not to love
Not to care
Not to feel anything for you
If in the end, we'll realized it wasn't love

Let's just be friends
Let's just hang out like before
No dramas
No commitments

Please don't do things that will make me feel loved
Please don't be so kind
Please don't make me feel like I'm special
I don't want to assume something when it is nothing

I'm a girl after all
Though it doesn't show, I'm fragile too
I might see things differently
I might take the things you do for me wrongly

I'm afraid, I don't deserve you
Or you don't deserve me
You deserve better
Much better

It is merely love
We can't just settle for something so suddenly
Not all sparks lasts long
Some just stays for a while and never comes back

Let's be honest with our feelings
Let's not give our all and give up
Let's not waste our time
Let's not shed tears for wrong love

If I were you I'd say what's in my mind
I'll make things clear before the strings are all tangled up
I would be brave to say everything
Than to prolong and just make things hard for the both of us

If letting go is the only way
Then let's do it
Let's move on and not reminisce
For love is not like this

If You Do

You called my name for no reason at all

Your existence filled an empty space in my heart

But I'm afraid it will fall

And break apart

You push and pull

You make me confused

Like a fool

I'm slowly falling, I can't refuse

If you treat me this way more than twice

I might get used to it

I might misunderstood

That your kindness is love that I'm looking for

I'm going with your flow

Not caring whether I would drown nor survive

If falling in love with you means hurting

Then maybe I'll take the pain until I get numb

Your warm hands that held mine

The sensation still lingers on my palm

Your shoulder I fell asleep on

I'm missing it all this time

You're my first real date

Hours sitting by the water with you, I wouldn't mind

Hand in hand we walked around

I wished I didn't let go

Sometimes I wish your jokes are real

When you joke about how you like me

When you say that you want to be with me

When you say you love me

If you do have feelings for me

Please tell me straightforwardly

Because if I continue feeling this way

I might get hurt badly

If you do 

If you love me

Tell me

I might want to be with you too.

December Thoughts

I know this Christmas will never be the same
It's colder than it should be
It's sadder than it has been
It's painted black and white

Santa Claus won't be coming again tonight
Everything feels so empty
Every song felt so lonely
It's been like this lately

It is a season to be warm with love
To share kindness and the blessings we have
To give and not ask for something in return
To put a smile to the face of a man in pain

But I can hear the cries
I can see the tears falling
The hopes dying
The lights fading

My heart feels everything
The darkness and sorrows
I have to let it go
To end it all

To end it all, is not easy
To move on is harder than it seems
To say I'm fine when I'm not
It's even harder to say it these days

It is a nightmare before Christmas
But how long will it haunt us?
How much more it will burden us?
Until when will we ever bear it?

We're not strong enough to carry it all
To take all the blame
To say we're still okay when we're not
To not breakdown when it becomes unbearable

Breathe, take a sigh
Let all the stress go
Clear your mind
Calm your heart

Count your blessings
Cry if it is getting harder
Let your emotion take over you for once
The anger, the pain, the sorrow

If it feels light enough
Take a look at the stars
They're surrounded with darkness
But at some point they still manage to give light to others

Dear Mom

Every time I see you, I tear up
Is it because I hate you for meddling with my life?
Or I'm thankful because you do?
Either way, I still can't explain why

We don't talk so often like other girls does
We don't go shopping that much
We don't share our thoughts
But that doesn't mean we're not close enough

I understand you have work and is busy
You don't have time to spend with us
I know you're doing it for us
And I know how much you want to play with us

I know how selfless you've been for us
How you swallowed your pride for us
You turned your back to important people in you life
Just to be with us

And now we're all grown up
You're old and the lines on your face shows it all
But your love didn't change
But we did change

I want to see a whole new world
I had to go away
I had to leave you behind
I made you worry, but you didn't stop me

You want me to do what I want
You gave me freedom
And I thought I can without you
I am wrong

How do I thank you
When you've given me so much
How do I show my love
When yours is overflowing

Sometimes when I feel empty
I just want to call you and hear your voice
I want to see you and hold you tight
I want to kiss you and say how much I miss you

I couldn't do it though
I'm afraid I might breakdown
I'm afraid you'll feel lonely
I'm afraid it will be the last

Dear Mom,
I don't want to see you hurting
You don't have to protect me anymore
I'm all grown up now

You don't have to go out to cry alone
You don't have to do things all on your own
Don't keep all the burden
Just tell me to hug you tight, I will

Always remember that you're forever in my heart
You're irreplaceable
You're the only one for me
I love you so much.

The Curse is Still Here

Looking back in the old days
When you cut this little girl's hair
The same old style
And tell her she's pretty the way she is

You pour so much love
She grew up with confidence
She's independent and is strong
You're the one who taught her that

But the fairy tale you wrote for her
It didn't went well as planned
The spell didn't last long
The magic is slowly fading

The storm came and the castle is gone
The King and Queen lost their thrones
The people forsake them
It's all ruined

With love the King and Queen tried to start anew
They tried to make things right
But what was wrong is always wrong
It will never change, can't be whiten out

Sorrowful time has passed
The little girl earned broken pieces
Broken pieces of secrets
Slowly completing the picture

Like a strike of lightning
The secrets unveiled
The answers came out
It totally broke the little girl's heart

Knowing everything without showing it
Feigning ignorance and keeping thoughts
Keeping a straight face and keeping the tears
She learned it all

She wears a smile just like the queen's
She just listen like the king
She silently accept criticisms and insults
She stuffed all the pain inside

At night she would cry
A silent prayer, wishing everything will be alright
Cheering herself up
Wiping her tears nonstop

She sees what's not supposed to be seen
She hears what she shouldn't
But it was never shared
She locked it inside her

There's so much that she wants to say
But she's afraid if she sings
They will all turn their backs and walk away
Like what the people has done to her before

Now, the pressures on
Her mind's in chaos
What's wrong and right
Should and Shouldn't collides

She's black and white
She still fights
Though all she have is herself
And a God.

If You Are Mine

I saw you in the cafeteria again today
With your black hair messy, with your Missy
Too bad, you're not mine
Too bad, there's no us

You waved and smiled
Everything around us has stopped
The noise of everyone around has become a sweet melody
You're making me breathless

My heart seemed to stop beating normally
It feels good and bad
I think my head isn't functioning right
My system gone crazy

I smiled back
But the moment was cut
She hugged you from behind
And it all turned black

It hurts to see you smiling for her
But it hurts more to see you crying because of her
If you're mine, I'll make you smile
I won't make you cry

If you are mine, I'll give you love
A love that's overflowing
I'll support you in everything
I'll be the girl that will stay

I won't give you a hard time
I'll make sure you're always fine
You'll be the only one in my life
Only if you are mine

Piss Off!

In a song I can't understand
A familiar feeling crawls slowly in my heart
Amidst the broken lines from before
It makes its way silently

I was doing fine a minute ago
And now look how devastated I am
Words that I can't understand
Somehow it still feels nice

Not knowing anything is good
Seeing the real thing is depressing
If you don't want me to go away
Then tell me to stay

But, dear, why are you so confusing?
You're pushing and pulling
Am I yours to throw when I'm of no use anymore?
Am I a toy you'll get enough and dispose?

When I speak the truth
You won't believe a word
If I lie, I'm bad
I'm evil, and that makes me mad

Are you that great to treat me like that?
If you are, then look at yourself now.
I swear to the brightest star in the sky,
It is not you I need in my life.

Your witticism is not funny
It doesn't make sense
It is ugly
A trash it is, stop it.

I am but a small being.
But I make big things you couldn't see.
You know nothing about me.
So stop making stories, and pick up your life on the ground.

Time and Fallen Tears

I see hope in blinding city lights
When I take a deep breath in smokey streets
It somehow comfort me
It somehow make me feel alive

At the sight of everyone in pain, I find my self lucky
Lucky to be struggling inside
Happy to know not a single person have an idea what I'm going through
Glad that no one will pity me

There's no water but I'm drowning
Slowly, with words they're smothering me
To go away is not an option
To stay is a decision

Choices are all the same
Explained differently but still the same
Is this fate?
Or just a nightmare, I'll never wake up?

The dam filled with sacred water
Made with pain and memories gained
It broke and made its way down the face
Of a sinner who tried to steal a perfect life

Now is the time
It won't end, it won't stop
Until the red-stained sky becomes black
And the blue ocean becomes dark

Thank You

Thank you because you stood up for me back in kindergarten.
Thank you because you shared the punishment with me back in 1st grade.
Thank you because you helped me survive 2nd grade.
Thank you because you gave me a note pad back in 3rd grade.
Thank you because you spent so much time with me on 3rd grade.
Thank you because you colored my hair back in 4th grade.
Thank you because you helped me in math recitation.
Thank you because you're there with me and my younger brother when a fire broke out in school and everyone else is in panic.
Thank you because you make me go to libraries in 5th grade.
Thank you for still being my friend that time.
Thank you for ignoring me, but still you're good to me in class.
Thank you for inviting me to your house.
Thank you for those meals with you and your family at lunch in your mom's office.
Thank you for the days in the park we spent together.
Thank you for the movie marathons we had.
Thank you for accepting me in your school in 6th grade.
Thank you for thinking I was a brilliant kid.
Thank you for having a crush on me.
Thank you for playing volleyball with me.
Thank you for being a good friend to me.
Thank you for betraying me.
Thank you for telling me I'm not a good dancer.
Thank you for stealing food in the canteen just for me back in 1st year high.
Thank you for making me the group leader.
Thank you for thinking that I'm a good girl scout.
Thank you for forgiving me when I din't say goodbye.
Thank you for accepting me I transferred to your school half of 1st year high.
Thank you for teaching things I didn't know before.
Thank you for helping me adjust to the new environment.
Thank you for accepting me in glee club.
Thank you for discovering my potentials back in 2nd year high.
Thank you for accepting me as an editorial writer in the school paper.
Thank you for those unplanned adventure in the mountains.
Thank you for helping me in MTAPs.
Thank you for helping me win the student council elections.
Thank you for making me cry because we fought.
Thank you for making me dance again.
Thank you for not discouraging me.
Thank you for sharing the things we like.
Thank you for teaching me how to swim.
Thank you for loving me like I am your youngest sibling.
Thank you for worrying when I was gone.
Thank you for accepting me again in your school at 3rd year high.
Thank you for helping me in Chemistry class.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for making me laugh in boring classes.
Thank you for teaching me how to cheat on exams.
Thank you for singing songs for me.
Thank you for teaching me how to skip classes.
Thank you for treating me on your birthday.
Thank you for sending me home when I was sick.
Thank you for telling me I'm pretty, though I'm not.
Thank you for being my first friend when I transferred school in 4th year high.
Thank you for understanding me in tough times.
Thank you for recognizing my talents.
Thank you because you added me in your circle.
Thank you because you're my most awkward seatmate.
Thank you because you let me copy your answers in Math during exams.
Thank you because you made me realized things.
Thank you because you caught me when I fell.
Thank you because you were there when I thought I lose my friends.
Thank you because you told me my shirt made me looked like a cinnamon roll.
Thank you because you had a crush on me.
Thank you because you're my first dance at prom.
Thank you because you're my last dance.
Thank you because you wanted to dance with me though it's already time to go.
Thank you for the late night talks.
Thank you for that conversation we had that night.
Thank you for cheering me up when I was down.
Thank you for letting me borrow your shoes when I forgot mine.
Thank you for buying me the voodoo doll I wanted.
Thank you for buying me that handkerchief with my name on it, I lost it now, I'm sorry.
Thank you for making me that bracelet and keychain.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for listening to my rants and lies.
Thank you for making me fly when I'm down.
Thank you for approaching me in 1st year in college.
Thank you for staying with me all the time.
Thank you for making me an officer of our department's organization.
Thank you for appreciating my works.
Thank you for teaching me writing sports news.
Thank you for helping me in exams.
Thank you for recognizing me as your best friend.
Thank you for making me the president of sports club in 2nd year college.
Thank you for making me the president-elect of Rotaract club.
Thank you for following my orders.
Thank you for walking around the campus with me at late night.
Thank you for those conversations while drinking milktea.
Thank you for treating me foods.
Thank you for helping me run in the student council elections.
Thank you for the trip to Cebu ticket for my 18th birthday.
Thank you for electing me as student council's secretary on 3rd year in college.
Thank you because you stood up for me during meetings.
Thank you for still giving me projects.
Thank you for choosing me as representative of our school for HIV and AIDS awareness.
Thank you because you helped me with my presentation.
Thank you because you congratulated me when I won essay writing contests.
Thank you because you're not like them.
Thank you for making my heart flutter.
Thank you for being my movie buddy.
Thank you for letting me stay in your house when I don't want to go home yet.
Thank you for making me treat your mom like my mom.
Thank you for sending me home for Christmas.
Thank you for helping me in my narrative report.
Thank you for the island hopping in Mactan Island and islets
Thank you for inviting me in your wedding.
Thank you for meeting me again after five long years.
Thank you for the dinner together after 4 years.
Thank you for making me feel special.
Thank you for the part time job.
Thank you for comforting me when I lost my beloved uncle.
Thank you for making me stay in your house.
Thank you for still supporting me.
Thank you because you're all still there for me.
Thank you because each of you is still there waiting for me.

Stop It, It's Enough!

Sometimes I feel like I'm on fire
It's so hot, I might die
I feel so hopeless, I am tired
Can you tell me, is this life?

Someone's talking bad behind my back
Someone's judging me from afar
Without knowing who I really am
Do they know what I am inside?

If you know me, would you still do it?
If you know my story, would you be brave?
To tell the world, I'm not the girl they think I am
I'm not that someone they say I am

It's not the way I look at you
But the way you look at me
You do what you don't want me to do
Funny, you treat me that way

Don't do unto others what you don't want to be done to you
Haven't you heard of that many times?
Or you didn't understand?
Or you're just the evil you are

Calling all the bullies out there
Aren't you tired of being the loser you are?
Is that how you want to live your life?
Wasted, senseless, lifeless

Are you enjoying the fun you made?
To see someone fall on the ground
To dunk someone's head in the toilet seat
Sticking shameless words on their shirts

Replacing supposed-to-be a wonderful life
With the hell you build up from inside
How does it feel now?
Does it still make you proud?

I'll ask you now,
Are you hurt inside?
Are you hiding a past that it's so painful
You might get crushed

Do you have some unsolved problems in your life?
Why not share it, instead ruining another's life
Don't you think it's unfair?
Don't you think they are struggling too?

You're not the only one in pain,
You're not the only one who is hurting
Every person has wounds unhealed yet
Why would you add more to theirs?

It's scary what you might become
A monster who devours someone's life
A murderer who kills the one's who's living
An evil who fears nothing but himself.

Dear Pretty Boy

Let me tell you a story of a normal girl
Someone who admires you a lot
Who stares at you every minute of the day
Without you knowing I do

I've seen you with so many girls
Most of them got their hearts broken
But, you know what?
I envy them.

They have the courage to approach you
They had spent time with you
And here I am, staring at you again
Wishing you'd give me one glance

All this time, I've been waiting
All these years I've been telling myself
The end is near, and time is slowly fading
When will you look at me? The way you look at her.

Now, I'll introduce myself
If ever you read this,
Please atleast say hi when we meet someday
Or atleast nod at me

I'm this girl who wears eyeglasses everyday
What can I do? I have a poor eyesight
I always tie my hair, because it flies everywhere when I didn't
I don't wear make up, but I put on dark colored lipstick

You see, I'm not a nerd at all
My friends always tell me I'm pretty
I'm not that tall, not too short
I'm tanned, not too dark

I always hang around the canteen with my crazy friends
I can say I'm the loudest among them
But when you pass our way
I can't help but shut my mouth

Don't you notice?
My friends keep on getting your attention
So I can get the chance to say what I'm feeling
But I'm too shy to say anything

You know, I can get a boyfriend
But I didn't
Because I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting for fate to make a way for us

I heard you just broke up with your girl
I wished your okay
And now, you have a new girl, already.
I'm a bit disappointed.

Hi, I'm the girl you never noticed.
But this time, I'll have my own way.
I'll refrain looking at you.
It's time for me to move on.

You're not the guy meant for me.
You're not the guy who would look at me
And this is not a fairytale or a movie
Where you and me are bound to meet

I wish you won't break girl's hearts anymore
You broke mine without doing anything
But it wasn't your fault, I know
It's mine, for being hopeful.

Someday, I'll find my man
Who would only look at me
The way I looked at you before
And I will look at him too, more than the way I do before.

P.S. This is for my friend who had an unrequited love for a schoolmate since our 1st year in college, and we're on our last year now. I hope she finds her one and only.

Death

I wonder what's in your mind on your last breath
I wonder who you last look at until your vision became all dark
If ever you came to the hospital a little earlier, would you still make it?
Or is it destiny? Or fate? Or God's will to take you?

I was so confident that at the break of dawn you'll be back
With much better feeling and is alright
I prayed to God to take care of you
And I guess keeping you to his side was his best option\

I'm sorry I was a coward and never got the chance to say how much I love you
How much I wanted to thank you for taking care of me all these years
Flashbacks of your words kept on running in my mind
Though it didn't mean anything before, it somehow means a lot now

Was it just me? Or everyone else?
I accepted the fact but still regretting.
It's saddening. I couldn't control my tears racing down my face
You are a dad to me after all.

Your words before may cut like a knife, but they are somehow true
I am selfish and sometimes a brat
A small conversation with you is rare
But when we had one, deep points are out

I've always wanted to tell you how I feel but I just can't
I was afraid that you would disagree
I hang out with my friends without you knowing
I don't want you to think I'm neglecting my studies

It's my last year in college, why'd you go?
I thought you'll see me in that stage with a diploma in hand
How am I supposed to study well now?
When the one pushing me to pursue is gone

Are you really gone? I lost direction now.
Give me strength the way you do.
Scold me more to right my wrongs.
I even miss your insults, funny it is, I know.

And now, the people around me don't talk to me anymore.
No one would ask how school was.
I don't know to whom should I ask help
Because I feel more invisible now.

It feels lonely.
No one asked if I'm alright.
No one comforted me once you're gone.
But don't worry, in time, I'll be fine.

And now I realized, no time, no place in particular.
No persons, or feelings, we doesn't know.
Once it's time then it is.
No matter what we'll die anyway.